There’s a certain allure to dining out: the perfectly folded napkins, the tinkling background music, the way you can ask someone else to clear your plate with no hint of shame. But let’s be honest, in this economy, with the price of petrol making us weep and Eskom teaching us all the value of a good candle, eating out can sometimes feel like a highbrow form of financial self-sabotage. So, what’s a fun-loving, style-savvy South African to do when the craving for fine dining strikes, but the wallet says, “No, sisi, please, I’m tired”?
Fear not, darling reader, for the answer is as close as your kitchen (yes, that thing behind the pile of Tupperware lids that no longer match anything). With a dash of creativity and a generous sprinkle of humour, you can create restaurant-worthy experiences right at home – no Uber ride required.
Set the Scene
Start by transforming your dining area. If you’ve only got a plastic picnic table and mismatched camping chairs, don’t panic. Remember the legendary South African ability to make a plan? Channel the spirit of a Kokkedoor contestant. Drape a crisp sheet (borrowed from the guest room, not the one with the wine stain) over your table, hunt down a napkin that isn’t a serviette from last week’s Nando’s takeaway, and light those candles Eskom kindly forced you to purchase in bulk.
Décor makes the meal. Grab a vase—yes, even that empty mayonnaise jar will do—and fill it with fynbos, proteas or, let’s be honest, whatever’s not dead in your garden. For background music, resist the urge to put on the rugby; instead, queue up some smooth jazz or even a little Mango Groove for a local flavour.
Menus and ‘House Specialities’
A key part of the restaurant fantasy is the menu. Type one out with a flourish: tonight’s main, “Deboned free-range peri-peri chicken roasted to perfection,” (also known as Woolies rotisserie chicken) accompanied by “creamy garlic mash” (the last three potatoes you found behind the onions, mashed within an inch of their lives). For dessert, why not offer an “artisan deconstructed peppermint crisp tart” (let the kids assemble their own, keeping them busy with shades)?
If you want to impress, handwrite the menu in your most elegant swirly script and ask your family to choose their courses. Just be prepared: someone will try to order bunny chow.
Dress Code: Fancy Slippers Mandatory
What separates a night at home from a proper event? The dress code, of course! This is not the night for your oldest pyjamas, even if they are the only thing that fits after lockdown. No, tonight, you dust off your fanciest dress, slap on some lipstick, and insist your partner wear an actual shirt, not their braai T-shirt with the tomato sauce stain.
Of course, this being South Africa, shoes are optional—but a killer pair of slippers is encouraged. There’s no shame in eating Bobotie while rocking bunny slippers.
Table Service à la Family
Let’s talk waiters. No need to pay 15% for the kind of service you can provide yourself. Why not rope in the kids (offer them a chore pass, or extra screen time) to “serve” at the table? You’ll be amazed how quickly the bickering pauses when someone is trusted with a notepad and told to “take orders”.
Practise your best customer voice. “Good evening, ma’am, would the lady prefer still, sparkling, or Joburg’s finest tap water this evening?” – Watching loved ones deliver this line can provide enough laughs to make up for any culinary mishaps that might follow.
Wine Pairings (Or Not)
No fancy meal is complete without a suggestion of wine pairing. Dust off the bottle of red you’ve been ‘saving for a special occasion’ (i.e. since 2019) and serve it confidently, perhaps noting, “Tonight’s hearty lamb stew pairs perfectly with a robust bottle of Bellevue Shiraz—also suitable if you accidentally add too many chillies.”
If you’re saving on liquor, a classic box of wine in the fridge is an acceptable ‘house pour’. After all, we South Africans are nothing if not practical.
Ambience, Darling
Ambience is everything if the power goes out mid-meal—bonus points! Every five-star restaurant aspires to candlelight, and Eskom is simply helping to set the mood. Tell tales of the good old days, share a laugh, and toast to surviving yet another load-shedding schedule change.
If you’re smartphone-happy, snap a few pics for Instagram. Hashtag it #HomeFineDining and watch as your friends marvel at your ingenuity. Just crop out the Cheesenacks packet in the corner.
The Grand Finale
As with any fancy establishment, what comes at the end is critical. Serve peppermint tea (bags liberated from the guest bathroom) or try your hand at a cheeky little Dom Pedro with whatever liqueur you have left. Don’t forget to offer the “bill” — a scribbled IOU for someone else to do the dishes.
Ultimately, eating at home can be every bit as magical as a night out, if you embrace the spirit of fun and a touch of theatre. Who needs silver service when you have stories to share and loved ones to laugh with (even if the dog is hoping for leftovers under the table)?
So, roll out the red carpet, pour the box wine, and remember: the memories you make at home are truly Michelin-star worthy—especially if you remember to hide all evidence of the takeaways you bought when the roast went wrong. Cheers!
LotsOfLove, SL
